I did have many girlfriends though, in fact all of the girls close to my age were my girlfriends, mostly because I was lonely until we got rich...If your family strikes oil right when you reach puberty it can have a bad effect on what happens afterwards! And if you live on a remote ranch with grandparents and parents all in the same yard you are better controlled too. There were only really three "sexual girls" that mattered and I loved all three, two of these loved me back... I do still confuse them with each other sometimes to this day, (at that time I had no drugs in my system or any brain damage to speak of, but that was a long time ago). 

I spoke with one of them involving some of what I tell about here. She said "I remember that, but I don't think it happened to us, I can only remember you telling me about it happening, it must have happen with one of your other girlfriends"... Not me, oh no not with me, I never did that! (This may be mixed up, but it did happen like I said, and I did not tell of it to hurt anyone... only to help others to learn from my mistakes).

If they choose to think it did not happened at all that is fine with me, it may be embarrassing that young people would do such things. I did not name anyone, and most of my loves are dead now, so I guess it really does not matter... One thing for sure, the first three changed me!

Two of them were also daughters of my mother’s friends and I played with them in the sandbox... even in the bathtub.

The other one was more than a girlfriend, she was also a girl that was a friend, then we found out we could not marry unless some things changed, and she died before that could happened anyway!

I liked them all long before there was love involved, and they liked me, mostly because I talked to them all the time we were together, and I was gentle and kind to them, and cared about their feelings. I think I had learned that from my sisters. The first girl that like me back was the one that rode her horse over the hills to visit when she could. Usually one or two of her younger brothers would come too, but they only followed us around mostly. Often we played hide and seek and were always hiding together, they were rough and tough though, even my little sister would hide from them! She never stayed with me even once for some reason, but I stayed at their place many times, it was the most fun I can remember in my early years. But not because I slept with her, that had nothing to do with it, we did not think that way then.

I slept in her bed because her younger brother was too gross to sleep with… He showed me a "trick" he liked to do before going to sleep, he would stick his finger up his bottom and wiggle it, said it felt good and helped him forget his pain… (He was always getting spanked; several times I got spanked too). Once, when I had got a spanking for reading comics under the covers and wasting batteries with him I tried it. The pain did not go away and it did not feel good to me so I gave it up! He didn’t though, his hand would stink and it would be on the pillow beside my head after he went to sleep. That’s when I would crawl into the other single bed with his older sister. We always felt a little funny about sleeping together, especially after I ask her about the "trick." She said she did it a different way and it felt real good if you did it long enough! I ask her to show me but she got real mad at me then and made me go sleep with the youngest brother, who had a very tiny bed. We always got up as soon as it was light out, that was the most fun we had to ourselves. We never liked the little boys to go out to the barn and watch the animals wake up though. (They were too young to be quiet getting out of the house and into the barn).

Don't forget... this happened back in the 1950's when life was different for girls... and the only dirty pictures I saw were in catalogs!

My grandfather would get silly when he drank, he sometimes talked to me about girls as if I were already grown up! (I later learned he lost his mom during puberty and often wandered if he was not just saying things he wished his dad or someone else had told him while he was younger).

He told me before the first world war women were much different and men never talked about sex unless they had been drinking too much. He did say "old-timers" were upset when they spoke of the women getting all the rights to stop the wrongs... (The right to own land, smoke in public, wear underpants... and say no to sex). The talk of such things is badly hidden in history due to the nature of the topic but it is true that many men were upset that women did not silently honor and obey all men after about 1910. (The information about women suffrage movements actually started about one generation after the slaves were freed here in America). The war veterans started people talking about what some women did in other parts of the world... especially the wild women in France! This talk started bad feelings about unspoken sexual practices and introduced things like the "F" word and many other bad things not common to the backward folks in our part of the country.

My great grandfather, who was also named Larry, had remarried and had another son about 1910... He married the only one available on this frontier at the time... (a women who was listed as a seamstress in a gold-rush town during the late 1800's). She had seen the other side of many men during that time and said only that this was her new life. The life she had before this one could only be described correctly if you had lived it in the same way, but very little was ever discussed other than the open use of the "F" word had changed the way people thought of sex, women, and things in general.

I think my grandfather saw history beginning to repeat itself about 50 years later... just as I was going through puberty. It is possible he was trying to stop me from making mistakes and wanted to get me thinking differently than others did during what some people call the "roaring" 20's, which actually started before that and ended with a depression! (The 1950's brought a big change to women, especially from what they had become during the second war). About the best story I have ever heard was from a girl who had just reach puberty when that war started... Before too long she was standing beside a train handing out cigarettes to seventeen year old men who were about to die. After that she danced for a dime and did other things for a bit more! At the age of sixteen she was welding in a factory... By 18 she had been pregnant twice and was now married to a third man. By 21 she said they told all the women to get back into the kitchen and learn what women were now expected to be like, which was altogether different than a few years before!

This had all happened in his lifetime and he was worried I would turn out badly due to the changes now happening, mostly to the women.

Back to learning about sex... that morning she woke me up, and the little boy in my bed woke up too. We got caught going out of the house and the mom took a bullwhip after my girlfriend, a new experience for me, and a very bad one for her! We cried together in the barn for an hour after it happened and I put bag balm on those marks on her bottom. Afterwards I always got to sleep with her, and we never got caught sneaking out early again. I never brought up the "trick" again either, although I did noticed she would wear her underpants to bed when I "stayed over" after that. Finally, when our folks were playing cards late one night, after she was past puberty, we got caught in bed together and that was my last time staying overnight. We both knew about sex by then, had even discussed it while watching the farm animals do it a number of times. Rabbits were so fast we wondered why they even bothered, pigs were the funniest due to the "cork-screw" dick that missed most of the time, cows and some other animals were very clumsy at it. We finally decided we were like horses, I looked the same down there, so did she, and they were more graceful, and interesting to watch. And they never got stuck together like dogs, that was the most frightening.

You may not believe this but we thought it was something painful and mean, but something you had to do at least once, every time you wanted to have a kid. My mother even got pregnant during this time of my life and most of my close friends discussed this a number of times about when it must have happened! (I decided I could remember one morning a few months before that, when my mom and dad were arguing when I woke up, something that was very uncommon in our house). We decided that must have been the night they had done it and they were still upset in the morning.

One of the last times we discussed it, (while watching the pigs do it), her younger brother was there and he said he had heard different at school. He said he heard it was only mean if the girl didn’t want to do it or was hurt and bleeding, also it did not hurt the boy, only the girl! He said he had done it already, but it hurt him a little after the first hour. He also said the girl ask him to do it, and helped him along the way… Said she was older, and "even had hair down there," but did not like it until after about the first 10 or 20 minutes! (I’m not real sure about these times now that I know more about sex, that is just what I remember he said at the time… As they always say, time flies when you are having fun). I talked to her about it later, or maybe it was him… But I remember finding out it was not that much fun for the boy either, and made things red and sore!

After this, every time that girl and I were in the barn, and had a few hours before we had anything to do, I tried to talk her into trying it. She moved away before we finally decided to do it, (or got that amount of time set aside), but it was a close one! I was not that persistent about it anyway, until she agreed we would stop as soon as it started to hurt me!

Also, I must say something at this time, my memory is not good anymore, it has to do with pain and drugs, too much and too many._______

I remember things in strange ways, especially when it comes to sex, it was not as important as chores and other work, or games and other fun. I may even have some of the girls turned around in some of these memories and I can’t remember who said what to whom or when they said it to me! I remember watching the pigs do it in front of two of my girlfriends, and my sisters, even my grandpa. A few other friends too, we had a lot of pigs, and sex with pigs is a planned event… (You had to keep that fellow in a pen; he is too mean and aggressive. You knew when the sows were ready; their "heat" cycle lasted at least a day, and was very obvious, the lips were all red and swelled up. It was one of my chores to check them at least twice a day. Often I had help doing this with whoever I was playing with and we would go get grandpa. After you got her in the pen it did not take long, but you had to watch while he did it until he did not miss, it screwed in and out, often to one side or the other, finally right in and the pig squealed. Then you had to separate them before it got out of hand, that fellow never stopped).

I remember talking about sex with a number of people a number of times, but my memory is mostly of what I was thinking at the time, not who I was talking to, and sometimes what exactly was said at what point in my life. I even have some problems remembering which girl I was with in which barn, unless we were not just in the hay, but in a certain place that is unique to each of the three barns! I know it may sound strange that I can remember which girl it is if we were in the grain bin or the saddle rack, (when something important like the first time she saw mine or I saw what she was missing). And I can’t even remember for sure which girl it was, once I know the "look at this thing" even happen with one of my sisters, but later I tried to block such things out of my mind as I got older, (and after I realized that it was wrong to "compare sex" with each other)! 

I think I did this openly because it was only a learning thing, not a sexual thing at the time. And I was a bit embarrassed and spent most of the time looking all around, not all around her! I do remember feeling cheated though, I remember it took them longer to be done looking at me, and it did not take long to look at a girl, there was nothing there to see!

You must remember, this was before the days of "R" rated movies, dirty magazines, and anyone knowing what the "F" word meant before high school!

Later friends of mine would talk a great deal about getting "stink-finger" from their girlfriends, and go days without washing that middle finger if they actually did.

Some would even put a bit of spit on the finger and smell it to confirm the friend’s statement at times, often offering me a smell too. I thought it had to do with the "trick," and declined, using the word GROSS… After that I was one of two in the class they called "pussy," (and there were only 11 in the whole class). In fact my nickname became Pebbles… (My best friend was already named Bam-bam, because he liked to hit the ground with a stick during recess). His nickname went away in high school, when he lost his virginity, mine remained, so did my virginity! I save his sister's life once and she taught me how to kiss as a reward... She wanted to teach me more during sleep-overs but I hardly knew her and only slept with her if the Christmas tree was taking up the extra bed in the little trailer that entire family lived in... Sorry a story for another time!

Later we got a younger hired man who took a liking to me, he even said he would teach me how to drink. He would leave the farm on Saturday night and go to town for a case or two of beer. After it was quiet upstairs I would sneak out and walk up the road until he picked me up, then we would go over to the "East Place" and get totally drunk… One night that summer he left the car running so long the engine over heated and began to smoke when he shut it off. We raised the hood and wet all over the engine. That was our last time, we both got to walk back to the farm before the sun got up and it was time for church! He got fired over it too, but at least he had explained what the finger business was all about before that.

And by this time I was about down to my last girlfriend too… I always called her my sandbox girl. (She was an only child, adopted by an older couple... and she had the only "real" sandbox, everyone else just played in sandy ground if they had the time for such things. She also had a very protective mother, that said she could not have a boyfriend until she was 16).

So we did not really date yet; we just spent a great deal of time together. My mom did not have any chickens left anymore either, Johnny had already hung all of them a few times and my folks thought the chicken house had a disease. We now bought all eggs from the mother of the sandbox girl, her mom was the local gossip connection and the trip for eggs took hours. This was fine with me, they never wanted us around and she had a barn too! We were best friends before we began to have any "hair down there." In fact our mom’s had decided we would get married and live at the "East Place" when we got out of school long before we kissed for the first time. The hired man had told me I had to French kiss her to see if I really loved her and that I had to French kiss her other lips to see if she really loved me! I told her about this and she agreed to try it, but always said "the next time you come over, just kiss me on my mouth right now." After this happened several times I did not go with my mom once to get the eggs, I told mom I was mad at her, which upset both moms!

The next time we needed eggs, (about another two weeks), she took me by the hand right to the barn... normally we gathered the eggs and fed the chickens first!

I thought she would be angry about this stunt, but she was "all over me" instead… Said we had to get all the main kissing done first, because she was not going to kiss me on the mouth after that wicked thing happened.

Then she pulled her panties down and I got ready, that’s when I saw the hair, this was the first time I had saw her with hair down there! It was such a shock I ask her about it and she said it was worrying her too. She said her dad had hair like that on his face, only it was rougher, and he had to shave it at least once a week or more. She said he would cut himself sometimes and bleed all over his collar, was wondering if she was going to have to shave it off too! She mentioned things were getting more tender in one area down there lately, and swelled up some at times. In fact, this was one of those times, and it got shinny and slippery too. I told her the same thing was happening to me and I showed her… That was when the "big" thing happened. Needless to say we were both scared now, (I am one of those "lucky" guys, small in body size, less than 5 feet tall at the time, but out of proportion in dick size, the biggest one in the shower room of high school in fact, and that caused me trouble after the girls found out_______shower link will be placed later). 

I don’t think it got quite as big that first time, but it got really big, really fast. As I remember it, the second she reached down and brushed my hair to see if it was as rough as her dad’s beard it started getting big and hard... and when she tried to push it back down it got bigger and stronger. It felt real good and kind of evil, (I thought of the story of Adam and Eve right then I remember)… I forgot all about kissing the other lips and we got dressed real fast. I was growing in those days and only had on a pair of last year’s tight jeans and a tee shirt. There was no way I was going to hide this thing and we both thought it was going to stay that way for a long time, like it does with dogs and horses!

She felt like it was her fault, but did not want to take the blame. We knew mom would be calling soon because we had kissed for a long time before this whole disaster started. We decided it was best that she walk to the field and ride on the tractor with her dad. I would go sit in the car and tell mom we were still fighting.

The plan worked, and it went down too, only a few minutes later, mom never did know. I was puzzled and confused, a few nights later I became shocked and worried again. I was thinking about what happened, and what she had done to make it happen, and it happened again. I put a sock over it and went to sleep, that was a bad night too! Every time I woke up the thing would be small, but it would get big again almost right away, I couldn’t find the sock so I got another one… After the third time I had a dream she was rubbing it and I woke up with it big again. I found the socks and put them both on, but now I was hurting down in my balls and could not get back to sleep. The next day on the tractor I almost fell asleep several times and decided I needed to talk to someone about this. I called her and told her to call my mom and tell her that her mom had some juicy gossip so we could get together. She asked me why and I told her I still had a problem. She said "no way"… (she said later she thought it was still big and she did not want to be blamed for doing it)!

I only had one other girl left that I had ever talked this deep about sex with that I could still trust. It was a girl I always sat with on the way to school. We had spent many years together, mostly riding to school or working on school projects. It was several weeks before I got a chance to see her in person though, in the meanwhile I prayed myself to sleep every night. For some reason that worked well, although if I thought of Adam and Eve being naked in the garden while I prayed it didn’t!

Finally she cleared everything up for me, she said if the girl just milks it for a while the milk will come out, and it would shrink back down right away. Most farm kids milked cows those days, even girls learned how at an early age... (You not only pull down on it, you use your fingers in an oscillating motion, top to bottom, to force each squirt... I never had a girl to do this in my life, I still do not know if that is really the most correct way to do it)... 

She also said after this girl did it a few times I would want to go for eggs every day, and before long I would be milking it with one hand and milking the cow with the other every morning and every night. She said in due time I would go dry, and it would not work anymore. Then I would not be able to have any kids when I got married. It was better if we both just forgot about it. I ask her to find out more information and she said she would try, but we must be very careful, because if our parents found out we would never be able to be together again! I like being with her more than I liked anything else about going to school, or living at all in fact, for a long time! This request was to later cause her to get pregnant long before her time and ruin her parent’s lives for a while. But I am not sorry, if this had not happened she would have died several years later anyway, but without a child, and she was an only child... at least now her parents had her child! The summer went on, and I stayed in the field when it was time to get eggs… Then this "info" girl called me and said she had some good information so we met after church the following Sunday. 

She told me she had finally gotten up the courage, and found out some other things from someone older and wiser. She told me it would not "dry up," and that there was something I could do to the girl to make her want me to come for eggs just as often! But first we must agree that we were a couple, and had to agree we were going to be married some day, and never do it again with anyone else, only with each other.

I told her that was not a problem; she knew I was going to marry this other girl ever since our mother’s decided it. She also knew we could never marry, we had discussed it and she had ask her mom and she said "not to a Catholic, that’s final"... We had always been friends though, closer friends than anyone else as long as I could remember. We had been together since the kindergarten school year... every morning and afternoon on the bus and evenings at games and such.

She now began to explain about the little button she had and how it would get bigger like I did if it was handled right. She said I could not touch it, only on both sides of it. She kind of showed me, only she said it was bad for either of us to do this because we might be too much in love after that to just be friends.

She also told me about the place I could put my little finger, but only half way in, otherwise I would make her bleed. She told me when we were almost ready to get married, and before we told everyone, I had to do one more thing. I was to get her to milk it for a minute and then put it in there at least once and make sure it was going to fit, she was not sure it would. She said it depended on the size of the girl and some other stuff she didn’t quite understand, but it did not matter right now.

The most important thing was that both the girl and I had plenty of time so we were both able to do this to one another, and that I should do it first, then she would do it. If we had a lot of time to spend I should then do it to her twice or three times in a row, until she "shook all over," and could not even move for a while after that. She said when my milk came out I would also shake and be weak for a few minutes, and that would be the same feeling she got on maybe that third time! She also said I could do it by myself, and so could she, but then when we did it together it would not be as good after that, and we would not be in love with each other as much as we would if we saved the feeling for when we could share it with one another! Finally she said it would not work right unless we were both in love, most importantly only if she was really in love with me. This girl made me promise I would never tell anyone and not talk with her about this anymore because it was making her feel very strange and confused.

Of course by this time I had the biggest one ever, and was hurting in my balls again. I begged her to let me try all this out with her but she only warned me something I will never forgot for the rest of my life. She said God was watching us both and our lives would never be the same again if we did it right then or anytime, because we could not even get married, not for a long time anyway, and we both knew it. Our parents would never allow it, and besides, they would be done drinking coffee soon!

She was right, mom and dad had already left me, and my grandpa was upset, wondering where I had been for over an hour!

You can guess what happened when I got home, the egg can just slipped right out of my hands when I was moving it to get the milk can!

It was Sunday and nobody went to the fields either, this was a good plan, it almost worked! Both moms were glad we were not fighting anymore, and she was real glad to see me too, until we gathered the eggs and fed the chickens. I was talking a mile a minute the whole time and she got real nervous about all this new information. She took the eggs into the house and never came back! I sat on the tire for twenty minutes or so and then went in after her. She said the baby had waken up from her nap and she was crying, I think she actually woke the baby up! We took the baby outside with us and let her watch the chickens while we talked. She said she had talked to someone too, they had told her something I did not know. She said my milk was dangerous and if it touched her she would have a baby in a year. She reminded me she had years of school left and wanted to finish. I argued with her about this, we had agreed to get married as soon as I finished high school and I was two years ahead of her… I said I wanted to do this right now, and next year I wanted to see if it was going to fit, before I wasted the rest of my life on her! She said that was worrying her too; she had never had another boyfriend either… Also it was bigger than a banana and it was not going to fit. I argued that I had already discussed this with someone who knew everything and that it may be a bit of a problem, but that I might be able to make it fit most of the way in if I tried hard and she loved me enough to take it! This was the wrong thing to say right at this moment, as she was shaking like a leaf the whole time we had been talking.

I was upset too, but in a different way, I had not been upset at all with the girl who had "trained" me when she would not do it, she was almost like a sister to me. I was not upset with the other girl either, we learned from animals that it was painful, at that time we did not know there was any "fun" to it either, only something new to do. It was different with this girl, she had agreed to marry me years ago, and we had picked out the place for our house. I had even planted some strawberries and other fruit bushes. We had planned our lives for a long time, how many kids, how big a garden, the milk cow pasture and the chicken coup… Everything except this one little problem, and by the way, just before she left, she said she heard it was going to get bigger as I did and then it would never fit!

Our marriage was over, I had only one girl in my class at school and she was not Catholic, the other girl moved away and there was nobody left for me, my whole life was over, as I had planned it anyway!

The next month was the worse time of my life up to that time, I now hated all girls, even my mom, especially my sisters. (They kept saying little rhyme things about boyfriends and girlfriends fighting). She was having troubles too; I think her mom had finally taken her to a doctor to show her about something virgins did not do much in those days. Using a "tamp-in" the boys called it, often only used when you had to, for back up on heavy flow days or if you had to go swimming. I think what happened is the doctor found out she was not a virgin anymore! I am not sure what caused it, but I think she took her own virginity by accident while experimenting with a banana, maybe to see just how big and deep it was in there, and if we could still get married. I don’t know what happened for sure, but I know I thought she didn’t love me anymore and all of a sudden life took a strange twist!

All hell broke loose in fact! My mom and her mom were talking almost daily, her mom was not friendly to me anymore, she would not even look me in the eyes, the only time I was with the girl, one or both of the mothers were with us. My mom yelled at me for doing stupid little things I used to be able to get away with, being the only boy to help her. My bedroom was moved to the basement and my sisters were not even allowed in my room, I could not even go upstairs where their bedrooms were! All kinds of rules and punishments started. It was not fun at all, and I thought it was because I had broke up with her and ruined the long-range plans my folks had for me.

As I am much older now, I have forgotten some of the bad things that happened then, but it was as if God was behind it. The oil well out behind the barn blew up and we got hailed badly on the wheat, our main cash crop at the time. The war in Vietnam got real bad all of a sudden too; the TV had numbers at the bottom of the screen… The dead were announced like a scoreboard... US 276, them 1,247.

Soon after this someone my folks knew lost their only son, then two of my cousins were sent over there. All farmers that only had one son were getting worried about who would take over if he got killed. (This got worse as time went by... almost everyone coming back were no longer the same at all and not interested in farming anymore).

The boys at school no longer talked about going to college anymore, only what branch of the service was the best or the safest. Many were brave and wanted the Marines, others were talking a lot about the National Guard, although it was a minimum of 6 years… The Marines were only two, Army was three, the Navy was four.

Somehow I thought this could be all my fault, and I began to feel real sorry for what I had almost done. You must understand something here; this was before the council of the Pope about America, before Vatican II… Back when being a Catholic was very serious, many rules had not been "relaxed" for the people here in America. I was still an alter boy, and could say the whole mass in Latin, I also had been brought up very strict! According to the laws of the church then, you did not have to do something wrong, you just had to decide to do it. If you planned it out ahead of time and had lots of time to think about it and still decided to do it, then you needed to confess it much the same as if you had already done it! Just because it did not happen for some reason you still had to confess it to your local priest, and he would ask you about it later too!

In the church basement I once over heard part of the "parents" session when I went to the bathroom, (next to the room a speaker had come to talk to them in). He was talking about one of the "worst" sins spoken about in those days, adultery… I did not really understand it, but I knew it had to do with bad sex, and he gave this example! "If a man plans it out, calls and gets the room, pretends to line up a ride with a buddy for bowling, and then goes to a private phone to call a cab… you might as well "save the cab-fare, you done it"… And if the cab has a wreck and you die, you will burn in hell forever and your children’s children will even suffer." He went on to say in a much quieter voice, "And even if you walk away from the wreck and go home... your life, and all other lives you touch, will be hurt until you confess it, agree to never do it again, and do penances."

I finally told my sin in confession and the priest did not believe me, he knew my voice and called me by name. He said Larry, you and that sweet girl we will call "Candy" have been going together since you were both in kindergarten and you are both quite the talkers, but you know as well as I do you would never touch her in any forbidden places and neither would she. Besides, she is a strong Methodist and her mother would never allow her to marry you, her dad will not even trade with your dad, he buys strictly from the Coop!

(My "egg" girlfriend went to another school in the other county, he did not even know about her, and I just said my girlfriend and I were "talking" about touching each other). He only gave me three Hail Mary’s… less than you get for two venial sins!

But confession and penance DID work though, I thought at the time anyway… After that life really started turning around for me!

In the following Tuesday’s mail I got a letter, the first one ever addressed only to me, and it was from my old girlfriend! My mother even knew it was coming ahead of time and began to speak about several nice things my girlfriend had said about me lately.

One thing I remember well, I had given up on her once her mother gave me "the look," I had even taken up drinking and had given up on life in general. I had began to sneak drinks of vodka from the many bottles hidden around the farm, even had stashed one in my old fort down in the hog lot! (My grandpa had somewhat of a drinking problem, something to do with breaking horses and wrecking cars for a living when he was younger, the doctor said x-rays showed he had 57 poorly healed broken bones in his body. All of those had healed without going to a doctor, and some of them caused him a great deal of pain by this time in his life). My younger sister and I made a game out of finding out where all the hidden bottles were! Sometimes he would forget where one of them was at, it was one of the ones he had not drank from in a long time that I swiped. I only took little swigs out of all other bottles, and I was getting to the point that I liked the feeling it gave me by this time too, good thing she came around when she did!

All she said in the letter was that she wanted to come over to see me and she wanted to stop at the "East Place" on the way back, so to come get her long before it was dark out so we could still see.

This was before I had my drivers permit, although I had been driving around the farm area for years, had even had a few wrecks while learning! I was still real short then, and had trouble driving stick shifts when I sat on the big book, so I just learned to drive the pickups by looking through the wheel. The car was easy, a much smaller steering wheel and an automatic, but I never got to drive it alone. I couldn’t believe my dad when he said, if you are going to go on a date you need to be nice and give the girl the right kind of treatment, take the car, I backed it out for you already!

Now it seemed a bit fishy that everything was going so well all of a sudden but I did not stick around or try to think about what was going on. (Before, when we had talked about sex, she had heard me say, "when it comes time to see if it will fit, I want to do it at the East Place! We will plan it out ahead of time and I will come get you in the old pickup. We can tell them we broke down if we take too long, that pickup breaks down all the time." I remembered that was the only time during the whole time I was talking she said "OK" on anything, and I thought that was what was about to happen!

I must back up and mention one more thing, it had been talked about by several times in my family that one way to keep me out of Vietnam was to have me married with children before I was drafted. This talk happened shortly after the mothers thought they found out we had already had sex, maybe they were afraid she was already pregnant, I don’t know, this happened much later though.

I drove up in the car and she ran out and got in and said OK, let’s go… We went to the East Place and hid the car in the trees, it was hours before dark, and we had enough time to do anything and everything, maybe even do it three times!

I played it cool though, had been thinking about my mistake the last time... I was even quiet, which was not normal for me. (Up to this time in my life I never had anyone to talk to most of the time, and when I got a chance to talk, and someone who liked to listen, I talked). But this time I did not talk and neither did she, not much anyway. We walked to where the house would be, then the garden, then all the other places we had planned out. She did not say much, but she started to cry once though. It was way out in the cow pasture on a high hill where you could see the hills to the west, the ones above the valley we owned. The hills were the edge of the cows pasture, only the canyons were beyond there. She ask me why I never got out the horses and took her riding to the end of our land like I said I would, me and the other girl had done it, why had I not done it with her? I did not have an answer for this question right away. First I said "that’s a long way, there are lots of gates"… I did not want to admit the other girl actually took me, she was the good horseman and could open gates easy, I was lucky to stay on the saddle in rough country like that!

I was trying to think of a smart thing to say when she asked me if I had learned about sex with that girl. Right away I said "no, well, kind of, in a way." Then I looked at her, saw the tears and tried to explain myself. She immediately turned and began to run through the grass back to the trees... something you don’t do in rattlesnake country! (If you walk slowly, they will get out of your way before you get to them). I caught her and talked fast for a while, she settled down then, but still wanted to know how I knew so much about the woman’s body, she knew I had to have heard it from a girl. I could not tell her about Candy, her and I had an agreement on that!

First I tried to lie about school kids and books and stuff, but she knew me better than that, then I told her it was my sister. She dropped the subject, but she knew I was lying, and it was ruining everything, but I never did tell her it was Candy. She asked me that same question for years, in fact she ask me the last time about 12 years later! We went to that same place, Candy had died of Hoskins over five years before this, I still could not tell her, I am not sure why, I just couldn’t! That was our last "date" in fact, and she told me then about who she was going to marry and ask me if we could always still be close. If I could only go back to that time again, up on that hill, and answer that question again with the whole truth, the only truth, the "truth that will set you free."

I have often wondered if heaven could be something like that, if you can get there… Maybe you get to see how things would have turned out differently in your life if each time you sinned, you had not sinned.

Maybe Hell is something like that too, but just constant reruns of the main sins, possibility on all 360 of them, and how they screwed up your life!

I also think you come back then, with a part of what you have learned from that experience still within you. I wish I knew why that does not come out to the surface though; most people would be far better people than they were before!

I know one thing for sure, we would have spent the rest of that day differently, and we would have "married" at the East Place, (as they say in Indian country, when the two become one body). We would have joined right there on top, before the sun went below those hills, right there in front of God and the rattlesnakes! Maybe not that same day, but for sure one of the days of that summer, possibly on her most "fertile" day. It would have been a boy, and we may have named it Edward Elmer…

Instead we went on to the farm and just walked around some. We did that most of the time, just talking about the future, and her school and mine. Later Mickey often followed us around when we did that, (my mother had given birth to another boy by this time and when he got old enough to walk he liked to follow anybody, especially us). Above all I remember this time when I took her out to the barn, we told Mickey to go back to the house because it was getting dark. We went through the barn and out the other side, on down to the hog lot… We were just playing a game with him; he never minded me and I figured he would be back looking in the barn for us in a few minutes. We knew he would search until dark and then go back to the house, I did not worry about him, he was able to take care of himself by this time, at least until we got back.

Now I am not sure, but I think it was at this time my mother told my father that she was no longer a virgin and they were just holding their breath that we would not get a chance to do it often enough to get her pregnant. Both mothers had questioned us, and warned us about not doing it in indirect ways. When we denied it they just got real mad and acted like we were shameful. We had still not done anything at all, not even another look or a touch. We had talked about it at times, even set a date to do this or that several times, but had not followed through. Mostly because everyone was saying we were doing it and we felt bad about that. My sister even asked me once how it felt to do it and how long it took, and what was the right way for the girl to handle "it"… when I told her I did not know SHE was even mad at me for a while.

On this evening Mickey did not do as we expected, he went right to the house and told dad we were hiding somewhere up in the barn.

By this time her mother timed us to and from the show in town, my mom timed me to and from her house, everybody was always watching us. Once we stopped to pick berries at the East Place and they drove by and saw us after we were only 10 minutes late, but did not say anything, we left right away though. It is funny thinking back on it, I thought when we finally did get to do major sex it was going to take several hours, at least more than one hour, we never had that much time alone! Now finally, here we were way down in the hog lot hidden in the trees, we could not even hear dad when he yelled for us to come down out of the barn!

We came across the old fort, all caved in from winter snows by this time, I remembered about the bottle I had hidden there! I pulled the top off and found it, I told her of my broken heart and my days of drinking to drown my sorrow for losing her over such a stupid thing as sex. She started to tell me something about what she had done at that same time and then stopped. (We had that problem with the secret of me learning of sex, she did not directly ask me about it, but she was still wondering). It was in fact, the only thing holding her back, but at this time she kissed me, something she had never done before! We in fact were both a little surprised by it, I ask her why she did it and she said it was because she really loved me and never wanted me to drink like my Grandpa did. (Evidently this was not a family secret like I thought, it was kind of a community secret.) I said I would give up drinking and anything else she did not like about me and I took the lid off of a perfectly good bottle of vodka and poured it all out on the ground. Then I ask her if there was anything else she did not want me to do, other than stop loving her. She did not say anything for a long time and then she said yes… I said what, and she said "stop talking," and then she kissed me again. This time I held her real tight, I squeezed her a bit too hard in fact and she began to tremble, leaning against a tree. I stood with one of my legs between hers and we kissed very hard, rubbing our bodies harder and harder. This went on for only a few minutes when all of a sudden she let out a strange noise I had never heard her make before, the sound like a horse makes when he says he like you, only softer. (I did not know it at the time but this may have been her first "climax," and I think she was in her brief time of "heat," when a girl can come the fastest)! She looked shocked and surprised and almost fell behind the tree. I grabbed her and she felt like she was melting, in a minute she was better and began to breath again, slowly at first. Then she turned away and reached into the front of her pants and said we had to go, starting up the hill, but hardly able to keep her footing. We got to the car and she asked me to go get her a roll of paper towels. I went to the door and found both of my folks standing in the hallway. My dad said "I am timing you this time, you get her home and get right back here." He said it real mean and then mom just said go... I forgot about the paper towels and went! Out at the car she was standing outside the open door just looking at her hand in the light from the car. At first she did not know what to say and I just kept saying "what’s wrong," finally she got in and sat on her hands. We started home and she kept saying slow down, nothing is wrong. After I did she started saying things like that was wonderful and what a warm feeling and finally said, when are we going out again? I did not tell her about dad, I only said I don’t know, I think Mickey told on us! She did not say anything and I got her home, the lights were out and she seemed very relieved, I did kiss her goodnight but it was a fast one. I got home and dad was still standing where he was when I left, but he did not say anything. He just looked like he was going to say a lot of things but was still trying to figure out what to say first. All of a sudden he just said "go to bed," he did not have to tell me twice.

This happened not long before the yearly "Club Picnic," something nobody ever missed. I did not even try to call her and she did not call me, we missed the next Saturday night show and I hated that, we both knew that the picnic was going to be our next date no matter what. We met there and ate, I went early with mom, and dad brought the pickup to get some farm supplies. I waited what seemed like forever before she arrived with her family. She said she could not go swimming and for some reason nobody said anything about us not doing that, it was normally the highlight of the picnic. That is why we all drove so far to that park; it was the only one with a swimming pool. I over heard her mom say she thought she was "starting," when we were alone she said she told her mom that she was starting her period but she wasn’t really. I walked with her downtown to the ladies store, but she would not let me come in? On the way back she said she had a surprise for me but we had to go back to her house and we needed to get there in a hurry. Said she had this perfect plan... I was to go over and be real nice to my dad. She said she was going to pretend to be sick after a while and say she needed to go home. I was going to help dad load the barrels and take the pickup home before it got too late. She would time it right so that they would just have me and dad give her a ride back home, we both thought it was a good plan. It didn’t work out quite that way, instead dad was asleep on a blanket under a tree and mom said not to bother him and to go check on Mickey and her little sister. I watched from behind the fence until my girlfriend started holding her stomach and talking to her mom, then my mom went over and I went towards them. Mom came to me and said she was not feeling good and I was not to bother her about it, just take the car and get her back home. I said OK and we were off, we had at least 3 or 4 hours head start on them and we had a fast car!

I got her home in record time and she told me to wait in the living room, I only waited a minute and she said to come in her bedroom, I had not been in there since we had been little children, but I knew where it was at, and it didn’t take me long to get there!

When I saw her my mouth dropped open, she had on a tiny pair of bikini panties, they were blue, my favorite color, and her first pair! She said they would slide off real easy too, and why didn’t I give it a try. I did not waste any time getting them down to her ankles and then just looked for a while. She asked me if that was all I wanted to do… I got off my knees and tried to pull her little sweater off. She said no and I just looked at her, then she pulled her panties back up and said we needed to talk about this before anything happened. She said I would never get to see her breast until we were married and she was not going to play with me either, at least until a month or two before we got married so she would not get pregnant too soon. She ask me if I wanted to play with her, inside and out, but only with my fingers, and wanted to know before we started if that would be enough. It was kind of like getting a home run going backwards, but I agreed and after a little coaching I made her come all over the place, including the piano and the floor. Then she changed and we did the chores, afterwards we went out to the barn and she came until her folks did. I took the eggs to the house and she stayed and put her work clothes back on, with those little panties underneath them. Her mom thanked me and ask me where she was and I said she was feeling better now and was helping her dad out in the shop. He had just put the car away and the little girl was still sleeping in the car after a long day of swimming. She thanked me for caring enough to stay until they got home and was glad she was feeling better.

We got away with it fine, and after that found we could do it sitting up in the car right in the driveway when I dropped her off, we could sit in the car right there for a long time normally, often we did it until the lights started going out. But our favorite place to do it was still the East Place. We never missed a chance after that, but I never got to go past that part of learning about sex. When I graduated she said it was time, but the night we planned it for I had car trouble. Then later when we got outside under the trees at the lake the mosquitoes were eating us alive and we put it off again! I finally said I could wait for a while longer, so we planned out a bowling trip to the town a long drive away from home. We figured this first time may take a while so we figured two or three games of bowling would take several hours or more, counting the meal it would be a long date, and nobody would be the wiser. We drove there and found it was closed for repair, so we could not get those little slips showing our scores. She said it was another bad sign, but I was very persistent this time. We went to the place to park and she got real scared, asked if I could just feel her breast instead and I said no. We got into our first real fight in years; I was scared too for some reason, so we just went back for the end of the local show. Then I started college and she went back to high school. We only saw each other twice for the next few months and fought both times, in fact I felt she had played me for a fool, (according to my new college friends). Most of them were a rather cruel bunch, just back from Vietnam, going to school on the GI Bill. Between them egging the virgin on, constantly giving me a hard time, and her being so far away, it was not going to work. I did not even have a car, and she could never drive to this big city to see me. I worked nights at a bakery and did not have a phone. We finally just said goodbye for a while, one of the last things she did say though was, "before you go to Vietnam, you have to get me pregnant, because otherwise if you never come back your mom and my mom will never forgive me."

I never did anything with her but learn to please her with my fingers... but I learned to do that very well, I never even felt or saw her breast. (Well, since they began to grow anyway). She later married and remained with him forever, I believe her husband was the only one who ever joined sexually with her body and no seed other than his was ever present around her.

And I never got her pregnant either, I never even went to Vietnam!

We almost had sex once though, I think she wanted to do it just to repay me for all the good times I gave her. She was not married yet at the time, but I was. And no matter what, that would have been wrong to my wife. I have been married over 30 years now and I have done many of the 360 sins, but not that one. I have thought about it, sometimes in weak moments even dreamed about it or wanted to do it, so I may be guilty in a way. But I am too truthful with my wife and friends, and I would somehow tell them afterwards... that would be very cruel. I think that is what has helped me not to ever do it… and although I never kept count, I think about 30 or 40 times in my life I have had the chance! Several of those times it was with old girlfriends, and sometimes it was a real struggle to keep from doing it. Especially with some of the professional type women, women in the "dancing" trade the past 20 years, those who are especially good at getting men to have various kinds of sex with them, for personal gain rather than pleasure!

Now, don’t get me wrong, I guess you could say I have had sexual contact with other women in the strictest sense, I have done it in dreams and in thoughts. And almost like a few presidents and others say, in the line of duty. (Often I have been hired for "naked shoot" jobs some men find hard to do correctly, without making mistakes while "thinking with the wrong head," I have taken pictures of women without their clothes on thousands of times).

It does not affect me like it does most men, not sure why, maybe it is because I am what some people call a "pussy." I don’t understand it really, but I think it has to do with my respect for the woman’s body that I was taught by my first girlfriend, the number of years I spent concentrating on pleasing her, before I was pleased for the first time! (This is a link to a web page about my first time actually having sex).

In the line of duty I have had to "ice the nipples," (or better put, stimulate the girl to get the shot that was required for me to get paid.) I have been told by other men that they get hard when they do that, for some reason I do not. It is just a job, and that is sometimes part of the job.

I remember once while in an interview with a prostitute I ask her if she often got excited while making love, and did she come often?

She said that would be considered very unprofessional if she did, it was a job, and she had to concentrate on making the man happy. Although "faking" it was part of the job, and she did that very well. I noticed someone even put a scene like that in a movie once, (this girl faked a climax while sitting in a coffee shop). I watched her do it too, while shooting a "Rally Video"... the scenes were very similar. She also told me she had, since becoming a pro, always had a hard time coming, even with someone she loved and trusted. She said that kind of man was hard to find too, and she could never hold on to them long enough to quit the trade. I felt bad for her after she said that and I always treated her with extra kindness afterwards, in time she even fell in love with me because of the way I respected and treated her. Once, while on the road, we were sleeping together and she wanted me to help her come. I told her the only thing I could do for her, and for my wife, was to rub her feet… marrymerri is what I called that link! She knew my wife, and she respected her, and me, for what I had just said. But she still cried when I rubbed her feet. (We had walked many miles doing shoots that day and both of our feet were hurting). I think that was the closest I ever came to crossing the line, if she had not went to sleep right away, and had continued to cry for very long, I would have "cheated" myself and everyone else…

I am in fact, hoping there is still a heaven, and hoping I still got a shot at going there. Otherwise I will not get to see how my life would have turned out if I had told my first true love the truth... instead of making her cry too…